


Shades of Acceptance

by ToadstoolTea



Category: Tumbling
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Gen, Homophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-26
Updated: 2014-12-30
Packaged: 2018-01-18 06:39:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1418638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToadstoolTea/pseuds/ToadstoolTea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the weeks and months after the training camp incident, Mizusawa has eight impromptu heart-to-hearts with his teammates and friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I never know if this kind of thing is too preachy or not but it's something I wanted to try writing way back when after a discussion with another fan. Also this is probably a really American approach to homophobia in Japan but idk

Satoshi knows just what to say.

By the end of the weekend, everyone is battered and exhausted, in more ways than one.

Mizusawa cycles through times when he's relieved. He's made it out alive, everything will be fine. Then there are times that every word, every smile is a lie that he is too unworthy to hear, and he wants nothing more than to crawl into himself.

Then he gets mad. His world has all but exploded, but everything he knows is still standing, instead of crumbling to pieces like he'd expected. Too small to see, hairline cracks run through everything, including his own body -- his own heart. He's about to fall apart.

And then he realizes it's only been one day.

Mizusawa finds himself drowning like that when he's alone in the room the boys shared, packing his things. He's down so deep he doesn't notice the pair of slippered shoes standing in front of him and his bag until the soft _Mizusawa-senpai_ breaks his thoughts.

He looks up, and sees Satoshi, and his heart sinks. It's a realization that saddens him further, because he's begun to dread talking to the only one who seemed okay with it, the only one that was supportive... 

_Oh god, how will he deal with the others?_

"It'll be okay," Satoshi whispers, as if he knows the stress of his normal voice will cause Mizusawa to collapse into a pile of dust. "Maybe everyone won't get it right," he muses, "but we all will try."

And then he looks to Mizusawa. It has an eagerness -- an earnestness that he'd seen on all of their faces. A tenacity untouched by bitterness. _Don't count us out before we've even tried_ , he's saying. _Everyone else in the world does that, but don't you be the one to do it this time_.

Mizusawa nods, a gesture quickly returned by the first-year, before he grabs his things scuttles out of the room.

He repeats the what the boy said to himself, and it gets him through many days in the future.


	2. Chapter 2

Kaneko's stubborn.

It takes Mizusawa a long time to figure out why what Kaneko said bugs him, but after he does, it bothers him so much he can barely concentrate on what his friend is saying at any given moment, for all he can hear is:

" _It doesn't matter_ ," as he'd said the night of the outing. 

It's a Saturday evening at the library when his bespectacled friend is explaining derivative functions when he finally blurts out, "it _does_ matter!"

Confused, Kaneko looks up to him -- as well as a dozen other library patrons. Mizusawa flushes with embarrassment; he didn't realize he was so loud. He turns around and bows his head in apology before turning back to the boy across from him.

Mizusawa chews his lip, and Kaneko stares back at him.

"It matters," Mizusawa says, his voice strained, raspy, _desperate_. "It matters because I have to worry about things. Lots of people treat me different now. Someday, I'm going to be with someone, and I want people to be okay with _us_ , you know? It's not the only part of who I am, but it's such a big part and..."

And finally, it becomes too much. The tightening of Mizusawa's throat gets almost unbearable, his voice cracking, so he sums up his feelings the best way he knows how. 

"Ignoring it and accepting it aren't the same thing."

He falls silent and notices that his palms are sweaty, he's nervous, he wants to look away. But he keeps his gaze fixed on Kaneko. His friend doesn't speak just long enough for Mizusawa to start wondering if he was speaking some unintelligible tongue, when finally he sees movement from the other side of the table.

"That's true," Kaneko replies, his voice quiet. He tilts his head in such a way that the glare flashes off his glasses, and his expression is unreadable. But Mizusawa _knows_ Kaneko. He wanted an emphatic agreement, or a curious inquiry -- couldn't he at least act like he wanted to get it?

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine. I..."

Kaneko never finishes his sentence, and they never finish the discussion. A few weeks after that, they're grinning wildly when they see how Mizusawa's math marks have taken a leap, when he thinks -- a few months ago, maybe we would've hugged? A guy-hug, from the side or something, like after one of them nailed a gymnastics technique.

But Mizusawa can't help standing there with an expectant look that Kaneko seems to catch, but neither says a word. Mizusawa replaces his smile, and they both dash to homeroom to tell Yuuta and the others. In the back of his mind, Mizusawa's crushingly disappointed, but he's glad they're still friends. Not as close as he'd like to be... not as close of friends as he thought they were, but friends nonetheless.

Maybe one day, they'll be able to talk about it.


	3. Chapter 3

Nippori's inconsistent.

There are times when he's as supportive as Wataru, but also times when he makes comments as caustic as Ryousuke's. It takes Mizusawa a while to notice, but the second-year's actions directly correspond to which of his "elder brothers" are closest to him. Mizusawa knows that the boy is smart enough to have his own opinion of things, but he doesn't find out until one afternoon when he's been called out after practice.

After a full minute of sputtering and nervous twitching, Nippori finally shouts at him, "teach me how to dress!"

Mizusawa is at first completely blindsided, then as soon as he makes the connection between the stereotype -- the trendy _okama_ celebrities that seem to be on every variety show recently -- he wonders if he should be insulted.

He takes a deep breath, and looks the younger boy in the eyes. It's a gesture the underclassman seems to nervously mirror. "Nippori, just because--"

And the moment passes when the silence isn't silence and their gazes falter. Nippori twitches a bit more, but Mizusawa can spot the recognition in his eyes.

Then he starts again, "it doesn't mean I'm some kind of fashion guru, okay?"

"B-but--"

"Like all yankees aren't violent. It's a stereotype, you got it?"

_Stereotype._ Nippori repeats it slowly, chewing on each syllable like it's a regional delicacy. Then the boy's gaze falls toward his worn sneakers, and his next words are quiet and stilted. "But you do dress kinda nice, I think. And this isn't something I can ask Aniki or Ryousuke-san for advice with..."

And then Mizusawa finds himself looking down to the ratty shoes and considering something about Nippori. On his budget he couldn't imitate Ryousuke's gaudy dress, or even the sloppy fashion of Wataru. It's true that Mizusawa's sense of fashion is a lot more reasonable; a lot closer to normal.

Perhaps it wasn't about him after all?

"Next Saturday, I guess. We can meet at the outlet mall on the outskirts of town." Mizusawa smiles big, and places a hand on Nippori's shoulder. "And regardless of what you think, I can give you pointers for your date too."

"B-b-b-but I didn't say--" And suddenly, Nippori's cheeks are the color of Wataru's hair. And just as suddenly he stops again, looks down, and back up his brows creased and his eyes downcast like he did something wrong. " _W-would_ you do that? After all the stuff I've said--?"

Mizusawa bows his head, and considers the hurt, the hurt from his _friends_ and both his body and his heart are heavy.

But somehow he finds the strength to offer up a hand and say: "We're friends aren't we?"

"Mizusawa-senpai!" Instead of grabbing hands, Nippori grabs _Mizusawa_ and squeezes him with that not-quite-violent yankee strength.

And after that day, he _does_ side with Wataru every time.


	4. Chapter 4

Hino is...

Well, Hino wasn't there.

The star of the team wasn't truly part of the team until a few weeks after the training camp fiasco, when the rumors had run cold and everyone had mastered their reservations about Mizusawa. When the second-year starts to stick around, he gives no signs that he's aware of what happened, and for all Mizusawa knows, he might genuinely be out of the loop. Hino had been so aloof when it came to anything besides his gymnastics performance.

So Mizusawa is a bit surprised about what happens one Saturday, hanging out at Kamome. Someone's toying with the group date idea again, but everyone clamps their lips shut so quickly Mizusawa doesn't even remember who it was.

He looks from one of his friends to the other. All seem to be avoiding his gaze, either staring into their drink or shoving a spoonful of Natsuko-san's lunch special in their cheeks.

The only member that meets his gaze is Hino, and Mizusawa considers. _He doesn't know._

But Ryousuke notices too.

"I guess it's kinda awkward now," he says, matter-of-factly. "Y'know, since he's gay and all."

Someone sputters their rice at the yankee table. Wataru's glaring at Ryousuke so hard, it looks like his eyes are about to fall right out of his head. The half of boys' faces that aren't glowing red from embarrassment or offense are drained and ghostly white. And again, _no one can look at Mizusawa_. 

Except for Hino. 

When their gaze tears apart, Hino looks into his tea, creased brows crossing his typically calm features like he's _considering_ something. Mizusawa feels his throat getting parched and his heart pounding like a drum, the same as that Saturday at camp, the Saturday everyone _found out--_

"I heard about that," Hino replies flatly. "But it's not polite, saying that."

"Huh? I just told the truth. I didn't even mean it like--"

"It's a personal thing, Tsukimori-senpai. It isn't your prerogative to out him." Mizusawa studies the ice cubes floating in his own drink, when he notices. It's slight, but he's sure that there's a heated edge to Hino's usual coolness. "No one can take that right away from. I'd be livid if someone, for instance, took away my right to come out when I'd like."

About a minute passes and no one speaks, moves, _breathes_. The first indication that anyone even understood what the second-year said comes after the silence, when Wataru shoots to his feet so quickly his chair topples to the floor.

"You can't be serious! You're with Mari-chan," he shouts from across the room.

"Of course, Mari knows I've had times... I've liked both."

Ryousuke cocks his head to the side and narrows his eyes. "You swing both ways, you're saying."

Hino shrugs. "I suppose you could word it that way," he says, before nonchalantly taking another sip of his tea.

 _"Oh,"_ goes Ryousuke, before mumbling an apology and reaching for his own drink.

And then there is a moment when no one says anything, until Kaneko laments about the pop quiz Kashiwagi sprang last week. The others are quickly agreeing when Mizusawa's eyes flit to Hino's direction, and he catches Hino's gaze on him. 

It's not until they're outside on the road home that they're able to speak, and the second-year admits in that oddly-strained voice, "that's the first time I've ever admitted it like that."

Only then does Mizusawa look up, and _really_ look to his teammate. The upturned nose and aloof gaze aren't there. No, there are cracks in Hino's armor; faint lines that Mizusawa recognizes all too well.

"Perhaps, if..." Hino starts, looking to the side. Mizusawa eyes him carefully, curiously, but his junior only shakes his head and turns back to him. "Thank you, Senpai." 

Then he bows, and is on his way.

Mizusawa watches Hino until he's down block before he smiles to himself, and resolves himself to try and catch Hino more on the way home.


	5. Chapter 5

Wataru doesn't lie.

It scares Mizusawa when the redhead grabs his arm in the tub, right when he's about to follow Yuuta and Kaneko and everyone else to the changing rooms for goofing around and the snacks that the Tsuchiyas always treat the boys to. Mizusawa can only look back at the boy and stare.

"We're gonna talk," he says, voice harsh and face nothing but the sharp lines that still scares him a bit, and makes Mizusawa remember; this is the King of Kara High. There is no arguing with him.

So obediently, Mizusawa sinks back into the tub, still watching Wataru carefully. "About?" he prompts.

"About that shit I said."

It takes Mizusawa a moment to _realize_ , and even when he does, he's confused. Compared to some of the others' reactions, Wataru's really didn't bother him much at all. It couldn't have been bothering him that much, right?

Wataru bites his lip, and takes a deep breath before he continues. "You know when I told you I didn't get it? I've been thinkin' about it. A lot. About how a guy can't be into someone like Mari-chan, y'know? How a guy can prefer other guys." Wataru's brows are still creased, and his eyes show a distant pensiveness and Mizusawa knows that he's telling the truth, and that he's gone over this in his mind countless times; that he's probably trying to decipher things at this very moment. There's a beat; Wataru gives up again and looks to Mizusawa. "The truth is, I still don't get it."

Mizusawa's heart drops, but he steels himself and smiles, shaking his head. "Wataru, it's—"

"It's _not—_ " Wataru almost shouts, then stops. "Don't say it's okay, 'cause it's not. 'Cause you get that kind of shit from everyone else, it ain't right that you get it from us."

From its current place, somewhere in the pit of his stomach, Mizusawa's heart stirs. He's thought; _cried_ over the same sentiment. He wrings his hands under the water's surface so much that they hurt.

"But I said something else I meant," Wataru continues. "We're bros. No matter if I get it or not, you're my bro. _It's not about me_."

Then Wataru smiles big; that goofy, earnest smile that makes Mizusawa forget that this is the King of Kara High. The redhead raises a calloused fist. Slowly, Mizusawa raises one of now sore hands and completes the fist-bump. Wataru nods in approval and appears to study their hands with that thoughtful expression. But before Mizusawa can think much of it, Wataru has heaved him out of the tub and is complaining out loud about how goddamn hungry he is as they move towards the changing rooms.

Wataru doesn't lie. 

Sometimes, in the halls of Karasumori or even the Misaki Town streets, Mizusawa hears the whispers of words he's been trained to fear; the words that slice right into his soul. But when Wataru's there, it never fails: _"You wanna make something of it?"_ he barks, getting the offenders to retreat or sometimes even apologize. And it amazes Mizusawa how effortlessly a once self-centered bully takes on the burden of another, one he doesn't really understand.

Then Wataru Azuma raises a fist to him, that silly grin on his face and Mizusawa remembers that it's just a thing that bros do.


	6. Chapter 6

Ryousuke slips.

Mizusawa knew he would. 

The snide comments, the gross inquiries that illicit groans from their companions come all too regularly. But nowadays, just as regular are the glances to Mizusawa afterward; puppy-dog eyes as he knows he's wrong, but doesn't know why, _help me please_. And when Mizusawa looks into those eyes, he sees the truth. Though he knows he shouldn't have to, wishes he didn't have to, he drags the blond to the side and explains things the best he can. 

Each time is exasperating, but he gets a little hopeful when he sees the emphatic nods, and even gets the embarrassing follow-up questions  _that really aren't his business_ and Mizusawa has to draw lines. By the end of the school year, Ryousuke still slips, yet not as often. When he does, he backpedals, acknowledges his mistakes, and flashes a look to Mizusawa as if to ask for forgiveness.

Mizusawa always shakes his head; sometimes out of irritation, and sometimes because he wants to deny Ryousuke the right of getting out of it that easily. It's been months. But those considerations grow less and less, so he supposes that it  _is_ getting better. 

"Sorry," Ryousuke goes one day, breaking Mizusawa's thoughts during one of the team's processions to the beach. Mizusawa had been keeping to himself, and the last he'd seen, Ryousuke was chatting it up with Nippori a little behind him.

"You didn't even say anything this time. _Did you_?" Mizusawa asks, and Ryousuke furiously shakes his head.

"No. Just — y'know — _sorry._ " Ryousuke sighs and sticks his hands in his pockets. "I know that I've been a dick. Hell, I'm always gonna be a dick, y'know? But I really want to get better, at least about this."

And he looks over to Mizusawa, looking all pensive and serious and un-Ryousuke-like.

They walk a while like that, the only sounds the breeze and the waves and the distant chatter of their friends so far ahead. Side by side on the waterfront, they both watch their shoes sink into the sand with every step they take. Mizusawa considers how tough it's been to walk of the beaten path; that path they've been told to walk all their lives. They've fallen and stumbled and even slipped back a few paces, but they're still moving forward.

Finally Ryousuke breaks the silence. "Just tell me when I say something, well, _dickish_ , yeah?"

"Sure."

It's a few more paces, and Ryousuke clears his throat. "Like, if I said that I got that you don't wanna bang every guy you see, but you've _gotta_ think I'm hot." A ten-point grin is spread across the blond's face.

Mizusawa smiles too before delivering a playful punch to the yankee's side. He's hopeful. That some things might change. That Ryousuke might change, that one day they'll see eye-to-eye. But some things might not, like his ego. Mizusawa laughs as he walks ahead, while Ryousuke exaggeratedly nurses his bruised side.

"By the way, that was dickish."

"Yeah," Ryousuke agrees. "But you really don't? How come?"

"Just don't."

"Ouch," goes Ryousuke's pride, and Mizusawa smirks again before dashing to catch up with the rest of the group.


End file.
